Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Randomize
