i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Hippo gnu deer
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
