I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
