Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
