I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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