I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
