for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
