she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
