My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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