somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Congratulations! We have a period
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