drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
You smell like stripper and shame
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
