He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
