yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
