did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
