goodnight i made you a song goodbye
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
