I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
