She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
