you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
someone owes me an orgasm
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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