make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
