No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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