Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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