what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
