Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
