im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
