Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
