In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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