btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
