the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
