# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
