So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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