When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
the day after is always just damage control
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
