i just wanna soil my oats bro
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
