Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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