I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
