wakey wakey hands off snakey
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
