my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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