Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
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