remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
