I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
