dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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