come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
