so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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