At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
