Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
