i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
