one two three fourrrrnication!
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
