I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
