Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
