Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
