Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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